Everything or nothing

A social gathering with friends usually ended in a drinking fest for me. I was usually the one who went all the way. The first glass was still quiet, but the more, the faster the glasses emptied. control? Nope! I am an all or nothing person. And not just with alcohol. When I started exercising, I was also a blood fanatic. Not for a hundred, but for 150 percent. Eating something like that, if I start it, then it has to go. I don't have a brake… or so it seems. Is this just behavior? Something I've always had? Or am I filling a void? It all sounds pretty intense now, negative, but I also see the other side. Also with work I don't do things halfway, for friendships I go through fire. But everything 'too' stands for seems to be too much, right? And that's what I've come to know through trial and error over the years. Lifelong learning, really!

Since I had to start medication for heart problems, I found out that the combination with alcohol had a very strong effect. I didn't get the slightest short circuit, I just about stayed in it! I'm very scared of that. I couldn't get rid of this more giggly if I had to occasionally', or 'just one too many'. It was frightening, confronting and really the last straw for me. I then gave myself until the end of December last year to try to drink in moderation and otherwise stop completely. Just in the back of my mind for some extra motivation and support.

You guessed it, I can't get that degree. And now I'm old and wise enough not to bury my head in the sand. In addition to stopping drinking, I am now trying to lose weight and I am becoming more aware that I am doing things without really enjoying it. Yesterday I was with a dietitian and we talked about mindful eating. Do you really taste what goes in, what it does to your body, do you enjoy it? I usually shove everything in, food, drink. I want more!! Why? Because it's so tasty? Did I really like wine that much? I still remember the first sip. Actually too gross! But I always joked, well, after the first glass…

And now, 3 weeks later since the start of the 40 day challenge. In the evening I sometimes have the urge to dive into the fridge in search of some sewing. I better get the 'harmful' stuff but not anymore, because small, moderate portions still remain a thing. Nowadays I go to bed for time and then watch another episode of a series on Netflix. Very safe, why tie the cat on the bacon ;-)

And let's talk about those girlfriends nights. Less frequent because of the corona, but every now and then someone comes by. I was actually worried about that at the beginning. Will they come if I don't have alcohol in the house? Or how do I even do that, am I going to get it for them? I would have done it before, but not now. I don't even offer it. We are now having a cup of tea or coffee, a glass of water. It won't be as late as before, but that's fine. I also think it was the drink that allowed me to keep going, not feeling that I was actually tired anymore. Really a win-win situation. And okay, it's all a bit awkward this way, but the conversations do have more depth and are about something. At least… I remember them the next day.

I often talk about drinking with one of my friends, actually my partner in crime for 25 years. She also realizes that it is a thing after all. It's nice to be able to talk about it so openly and support each other. We understand eachother. She doesn't judge me, but she is proud of me. And things like that help me.