Esther: Never drink again?

I can sometimes think and act in black and white. Everything or nothing. My house colorful or completely white? 120 % bet on a project or am I bored to death? Fries or green smoothies? I am good at extreme.

In December I still drank wine every day, as if every day were the weekend. Delicious, in the evening at half past nine, one or (more often) two glasses by the fireplace. But drinking every day was not the deal I made with myself. It was only allowed on weekends. Mmm… where did it get stuck?

I was done with it at the end of December. With a big New Years Eve ahead of me, I decided to cut back on alcohol consumption in January. But decreasing, that's only half-baked, so at 4.30 am after a lot of mulled wine (of which I think the alcohol had already largely evaporated) I stopped.

January 1st at 8:30am I walked the dog and felt surprisingly fresh. January 2nd too. And actually until now I wake up every day wonderfully fresh and clear. And the funny thing is: I didn't even realize that I didn't wake up fresh and clear. Until it changed by giving up alcohol.

For the first thirty days I felt very proud that I lasted. Because in my area the parties and meetings are accompanied by wine. Cozy. I don't have to wear a band. I also don't interfere with someone else's alcohol use (believe me: I do have that tendency when I'm enthusiastic about something). But of course it stood out. When I was also interviewed by the organization, and I on Facebook that message I was of course addressed. Some thought it was clever of me, others seemed to find it 'special'. Asked me the shirt of my body. Or made fun of me. Oh yeah.

The second month was not difficult either. Not even at Carnival. But the past few days, as the 40-day challenge is underway, I started thinking: “Can I never drink alcohol again? And if I do start drinking, will it be the case again next December that I have a weekend every day? I do not want that. Then I'd better stop completely and forever. Which I also don't want. Because I love a good glass of wine.”

Maybe it's time to go from All-or-Nothing to Every now and then? Maybe it's time to adjust my black-and-white thinking and add some shades of gray? Could I do that without freaking out? Because with the idea of never drinking wine again, you know what makes me feel like…?